Beautiful Disaster...

Glad it's over. :s

I like writing letters that people will never read (for the simple fact that they don't have an LJ) and it's great because I get al the thoughts out without having to deal with the response conversation (yet).

Dev,

I've only ever been faithful to you.
I've done nothing to make you think otherwise.
I've thought about other men, but to actually act on that would be foolish and idiotic of me and destructive to our relationship.
A relationship I never wanted, anticipated, or welcomed in the first place.

I wish you could realize when I make the decisions that I do that don't even concern you, that they...don't...concern you. I'm not trying to shut you out, but sorry that I'm so independent that I can't handle your babying me. I am 23, I don't need to be babied. I have a license, so I can drive myself places, I have money, so I can buy my own clothes. I have a brain, so I can make my own choices.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the gifts, the dinners, the plans for trips, the packs of gum you buy me because you know it's my favorite, the way you ask me questions about my African culture with such interest, how much you love my nieces, how understanding you are with my life situation right now. I not only appreciate you, I love you.

So wherever this distrust of me is coming from, it needs to stop. You're driving me crazy. I've done nothing to deserve this. I love you, and it's a strange sensation to me. It makes me do crazy things, but not to the point where I'd hurt you.

So please, keep bringing up your insecurities with me, I want you to. But don't warp my words so that all you hear is "I want something else. I need something else. I need not you." That's never what I'm saying. EVER.

I do want you. Need you, maybe not. Not yet, at least.

Either way, D, let's move on from this, please.

If I give Devin a kiss for you, it may be the greatest kiss ever, therefore he'll leave me and come for you because he'll think that your kisses are so earth-shattering and powerful that they can travel miles and miles to reach their destination.

And you don't want to be responsible for that, now do you?

hahaha. This wasn't only for Sola to read, but for everyone else.

Hey, how's it going? I have pneumonia!

Everyday, I want to throw my cell phone out of the car while I'm driving, slow down to watch it get crushed by another car behind me in the rearview mirror, and arrive at the realization that I don't care because IT'S THE WORST PHONE EVER. The end.

For some reason, Heath Ledger's death actually made me sad. I remember moping in my room, by myself, because I knew my friends wouldn't understand why I was so affected by this stranger. But the thing was, he wasn't a stranger. His list of movie credits was very short, because he liked choosing roles that didn't define him as a mainstream "heartthrob" despite his good looks. And I realized at a point that I'd seen all but one movie he did at the time (That was before The Dark Knight came out; now I've seen them all) and I've relatively enjoyed all of them in their own ways. He was so good at becoming a certain character; he reminds me a lot of Johnny Depp.

The other thing was that he loved his daughter Matilda so damn much, that he was willing to keep making movies in Hollywood just to provide for that little nugget. And that's what makes me feel bad about the whole Kurt Cobain death too. I was too young and not even exposed to rock music when Nirvana was huge, but I learned recently that near his dying day, Cobain wanted to kick the drugs for Frances Bean. He eventually couldn't, and took his own, but who cares about what he was unable to do? Apparently, he changed a generation of rock lovers forever, whether they hated him or worshipped him. Either way, I'm bummed I missed out on his greatness, but I'm glad I've been exposed to it now.

Yeah, people think we shouldn't care about celebrities because they're rich and jaded. No. Some of them care about something more than the money and the fame. And it sucks that we only see them as human when they do something so simple as taking their own lives.

It's Friday and the weather is ten times better than yesterday...so shall I go for a walk? Hell no, but a drive sounds nice.

unflinching, unfeeling, cold, distant and uncaring detached, vacant, downtrodden, forgotten, unforgettable, raucous, raunchy, dirty, hard, stone.

this demon needs to be exorcised.

Or I have been for a while now. Thanks to a friend of mine who is very popular with a bunch of twitty younger girls, some of them 18 like him, most of them not, and his trusting me keep some of them in line for his comfort and safety. Which I've done, but these bitches are just obnoxious, and I'm too old to give a shit.

At least I should be. I am...yeah, definitely. But I do it because he asks me, so I just have to figure out a way not to. And to tell him without making him feel like I don't care anymore. I don't want him trusting another person for the job since he picked me for a reason, but ahhhh. They are...I know I wasn't that way when I was 18, and that knowledge is the only reason I know I can complain about this. Oy.

This week, I've been switching my style about like any girl does when she's looking for a change in her life. When I moved back home after graduation, I didn't really unpack all my stuff because to do so meant I would be cemented here, and I'm not. I roam, and it's cool. But, I went into a box I barely touched when I got home in May and found two pairs of baggy jeans and some cool black tights with designs on them, perfect for layering with dresses and boots (since it's getting colder already. =/)

But wow, if there's anything I found that I'm loving the most, it's the baggy jeans. I pair them with a top that cutes, shows just a little cleavage and some flip flops or Chucks, and I feel so damn sexy. I'm mad that I didn't wear them that much when I was in school, but I'm going to make sure to wear them as often as possible here in "the real world." I've never felt more confident went I get out my car and walk to the front door of anywhere, whether it's the library, grocery store, or my nieces' school. 

So, boycott the tight jeans! JK, I'm not going to stop wearing them, I do love me some skinny, bootcut, and straight leg jeans, but...just remember, tight does not always equal sexy. Comfortable and confident does.

buying feminine care products is awkward enough.

getting cut off by two dudes while heading to the female cashier, thus prompting me to just step up to the CUTE male one was even more awkward.

oy. 

 at my job last summer at a gym, a multiple people a day would ask me for change. i've always hated giving change because it required me doing math (haha). then i was told that we weren't supposed to give change, so when i shared this with people, they actually attempted to talk me into doing it anyway. it was one of the most annoying things i had to deal with at that job, so hence the name. stop taking my ones. biotch.

and it was the funniest thing ever! i was helping her sell some african food yesterday at her usual spot, and this lady was selling all this stuff that basically looked like junk she was trying to get rid of, and this dude came over to look at some of the clothes in which my mother went to help him, right? so i walk over to make sure she's not trying to buy any more stuff for herself, and the man walks off, and she spins around and karate kicks me in the arm! so, being the once future black belt i used to be, i dived at her and kicked her. and i was deathly afraid of doing anything to her, because you know, she's my mother, and i didn't know if she'd annihilate me for hitting her. 

but she didn't! for a good 30 seconds, we stood there, punching and kicking and smacking each other like a bunch of retarded kung fu masters, and it was the greatest because this younger girl (maybe 12) was there, and she was implorting with us to stop, but we kept going. i got to kick my mother's ass and not  get punished for it. muhahahah.

i hope we didn't traumatize that girl. hmm.. 

i asked my sister today if i could help her plan her wedding. she asked in what capacity? i said in planner capacity, decor, invites, colors, the works. and she said

YES! 

so i'm excited to stretch my muscle even more. yayyyy. i have a year this time, not a couple months. should be cool.

 um...so i woke up this morning and went to the kitchen to find some food. i'm at the microwave, and some stranger woman walks up from the basement, in which i say "hello" to her. she then proceeds to say "no no no, don't go like 'helloooo' to me. you heard me come in to your house and you should have come out and greeted me 'welcome auntie (she's not really my aunt, it's an african thing...bitch!), blah blah blah'." i looked at that bitch like she was crazy and told her that i didn't know she came to my house last night, which i didn't. and she looked at me like how dare i know she entered my house? i'm sorry, once i'm in my room, if people come in and leave, i don't react to it unless it involves me in any way.

anywho, she's still here, sitting in the living room, being loud on her phone, watching tv and eating our food. and she's such a snob (asking my aunt how old a salad she got out the fridge herself was with this disdainful voice) and eating in the living room. i don't like when people eat in the living room...things spill, i don't care how careful you are. she called my sister rachael by the wrong name, interrupted a conversation me and my two sisters were having to add her own two cents, and i just don't like her.

i don't understand how my mom befriends these snobs who for some reason always hate me because i don't bend over backwards to get to know them. if i don't see you or hear you, i don't need to talk to you. if i do exit my room from doing work, then i'll greet you, but i don't care about where you're from, if you have kids, and why the hell you're here. i really don't.

am i in the wrong? i was just trying to get some banana bread, for goodnes sakes!

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

I'm just gonna tag all of my LJ friends, sans moongiggles because of the rules. So there. 

oo1. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you be?
Right now, I'd be in Japan because my creative juices have been flowing, and something about Tokyo's Time Square would just appeal greatly to me

oo2. What do you do before bedtime?
I fall asleep to the television nowadays. Depending on the circumstances, I'll splash my face, send out a couple e-mails, worry about the next day, then pass out :)
oo3. What will your dream wedding be like?
Non-existent, if I can help it
oo4. Is there anything that has made you really happy these days?
Erm...nope.
oo5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
I'm an introvert in extrovert's clothing. That is seriously the best way to describe it.
oo6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved by someone. Or maybe that's just the extrovert in me
oo7. Do you trust easily?
Hell no. It may seem like I do, but I'm very suspect of people for a very long time. The great thing is, nobody really knows when I switch to really trusting them because I do well in avoiding those types of conversations
oo8. What is your fondest memory of elementary school?
I went to three different elementary schools, so that's a lot of memories to pick from.
oo9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
This fucking wedding. Ugh.
o11. If you could be anywhere else instead of in front of your computer, where would you be?
A beach in France. Perhaps Cannes, or Ibiza in Spain.
o12. Would you have 100% safe sex with a stranger for $10,000,000?
Absolutely. I'll buy my dignity back later.
o13. Who are currently the most important people to you?
Currently, Danny and Christine (the wedding bozos). And it's only because they're paying me.
o14. What did you have on your pizza the last time you had one?
Eww, it was so weird. It had like...spicy barbecue sauce, huge chunks of onion, and chicken, and the slices were so thin, they couldn't even hold all that crap on it.
o15. If being rich meant that you were working a lot in a job you don't like, would you rather do that or struggle to make ends meet spending your days doing a job that you find meaningful and enjoyable?
I'd do the miserable job because working in general makes me miserable (hah). At least I'd have money to ease my misery with fast cars, younger men, and vacations to Cannes and Ibiza!
o16. How many children do you want to have, if any?
None, oh God! If one accidentally makes its way through, I shall pray for it
o17. Look out the nearest window. What do you see?
Too bad the hillbillies on the motorbike aren't driving by, but just our tall shrubs and cars driving by. Sky darkening with the oncoming night and rain
o18. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
This question is dumb solely because I'm not provided advantages or disadvantages for each person. Therefore, I'll say I'll pick the guy who makes me cry from laughter, not being a jackass.
o19. What type of friends do you like?
The ones who don't ask too many questions about me (haha), who don't tell me too much about them unless I ask, the ones who can truly understand my humor and moods without thinking it has anything to do with them, and the ones who don't mind helping me fight someone if I needed to. With words, of course...
o20. What type of friends do you dislike?
Extremely needy, clingy ones who require too much reassurance as to how they don't suck at life. I'm selfish, thus my time goes towards me teling myself how much I don't suck.

I'M JUST SAYING. haha.

i went to DC last night to hang with my sister and her man friend to watch a movie. it was cool, except for how damned sensitive he is. it's so annoying, especially when my sister had to keep giving me disclaimers and warnings as to what not to say so he wouldn't get pouty and moody and blahhhh. you're 26 for god's sake, man up!

anywho, what really bothered me about the night wa how after the movie, i got trapped in part two of the spanish inquisition (without the killing) where he asked me questions about my sister and myself, really retarded stuff. i don't even like my friends asking me shit like that because if i wanted to talk about any of it, i would. and it was past midnight and i just wanted to go to sleep...the fact that i went out in the first place was a shocker to me, since i felt like i was coming down with a cold (which i have now, oh joy). by the end of the night, when we were getting ready to leave (which took a good 20 minutes to even get out the door), my sister went to hug her man. and then she tried to get me to hug him, and i said no. then she kept pushing it, which was pissing me off, so i tried to explain to her that when and IF i feel comfortable with him, i'll hug him on my own. i also tried to tell her that i'm not a big hug person, that i don't even hug my friends, in which she ran down a list of facebook pictures she saw of people hugging me and shit (because facebook photos are the most reliable shit ever) and then mentioned graduation how i hugged her and him, and i told her i was overcome with an unusual amount of emotion, where i didn't even notice who i hugged, or that that moment called for hugs, not just a movie night in some dude's apartment. and that's just the thing, majority of my "hug" pics on facebook are people hugging me, or if we could invent a time machine to go back to how i was feeling at that moment, it wasn't great. therefore...blah.

well, she just ended up making it fucking awkward for him because she kept trying to force my hug on him, and then i started feeling awkward, but more angry then so. i don't do well with the men in my family, and especially a new dude trying to get in on that, i'm definitely not just going to automatically love him and want to hug him. even now, because she did that, i'm really not wanting to hug him any time soon. if not a long time. she put the thought in my head, now it's there forever. way to go, sis.

and...i don't really want to post on this thing anymore because i just don't care. and i think it's stupid. for me, so don't get all offended, i wouldn't even notice anyway.
 

not that this post is mainly celeb stuff, but i like sharing the stuff i come across. like:

i really like victoria beckham and think she can do no wrong. i don't care what anybody says.  like...even in a t-shirt and her husband's jeans she is fierce: 

and then when she is trying:
she's perfect and she knows it. 

marc jacobs hand picked her for his new campaign, and even though the pics are hella weird, she's the only broad i know who could pull this off without looking too ridiculous: 
you go girl.

then there was this playstation ad i think was only running in japan or some place where this wouldn't make too many people cringe. it's so...bloody weird: if you can't tell, his penis is a thumb. I KNOW, WEIRD.

then there was this cool painting this guy did for heath ledger but didn't get a chance to give it to him because he had passed. i think it's cool. the artists last name is fantauzzo and this painting just breaks my heart a little. 

and here is where i shall stop because posting pics is a lot of work. oyyyy.

paul newman has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer because of his chain-smoking past. YES, the man who has given me that delicious newman's own balsamic vinagrette dressing is sick. he's 83 and awesome, and i was sure he would live to 100, but i didn't know about the smoking thing. dang.
(well now i just heard that his rep said the story wasn't true. i hope not)

halle berry used to date danny wood from new kids on the block. whoaaaa, who knew?

jessica alba has given birth to a baby girl named honor. her reason for naming the girl that was because she said it was "an honor to have my husband's [cash warren] baby." that is the dumbest thing i have ever heard.

the olsen twins are having a birthday this friday. peta has asked all of their cult followers to send a piece of their hair with a note to the olsens saying "please use my hair instead of animals. happy birthday." like those tricks would actually comply. peta tries too hard, really.

naomi campbell wants to have a baby, with or without a father. i'm glad there's an option, because only a crazy mofo would agree to stick their penis in there, bypassing the fear of her vagina of death chomping it off.

haha. this is fun.

degrees are useless when they warrant the same reaction out of every person who discovers you have one:

"so what is it in? (i answer) what are you going to do with that? (i answer) ooh, ok, that's a good field!"

then they proceed to explaining all the opportunities and things i can do in my desired field, you know, useless information, and nowhere within all of those explanations is a place i could look at, a friend they know, or some kind of hook-up to an offer for a job.

they bother me.

and this jobless thing is bothering me.

i've been planning a wedding and reception for an ex for the past couple of weeks though (his mother who used to hate me loves me now. and is paying me too. the planner, her sister, got caught up with something else, so i was only supposed to be helping his mother pick up the slack, but his mother has been a slacker herself, plus her ideas suck, so i've kinda taken it upon myself to get this reception up and running. she gave me her husbands car (this niiiice cadillac cts) to use to run around to florists and cake people and jo-ann fabrics, which is like, my second home now, and i've been getting little sleep and super cranky with that woman, and i wish her husband would come back to shut her up and make me feel better. yeah, when i dated danny and she hated me, his father adored me (because i am adorable) and he always defended me to her. she thought i was a bad influence on danny, which was absolutely laughable because he wanted to take my virginity at the ripe old age of 14 (sarcasm) and when i refused, he broke up with me days later, citing us growing apart as his reasons. i've been resisting the urge to bring that up in a conversation as we're sitting at her dining room table arranging seating cards for her son's wedding. i could picture her stupid face right now.  

anywho, i'm quite drained, and even though this wedding is making me a bit of cash, i need more. i want to go to vegas to visit michelle and arizona to see kenny and san francisco to visit karina and possibly scope out living situations (just in case).

blahhh, and this heat isn't helping the situation.  but it's cool, because mother danny gives me $50 a week for gas (so i can blast the air conditioning in the car on my errands), which really becomes like..$40 after i make a trip to panera or something. haha.

...about how much i love the cold weather. or just that in between. i'd kill to be in maine right now where it's probably like...60 and rainy. it's hard to enjoy these beautiful days when the air is so thick, attempting to choke the breath out of me. 

i need health insurance. stat.